FROM DARK CLOUDS TO SUNNY SKIES. A STORY ABOUT MY DEPRESSION AND WHY I AM STILL HERE.

This morning I was lying in bed feeling like crap honestly! My crazy hectic week in Vegas caught up with me and boy can I feel it! I am exhausted! I ended up staying in bed until 3:30 watching movies! I cannot remember the last time I was in bed that long.

Yes, I can, and it hit me like a ton of bricks right in my damn face! Last time when I was in bed that long was when I was going through my Chemo treatments. Today as I was having my little pity party of one because my voice is shot, I am sweating and of course have the chills I realized I am not sick. As in have an autoimmune disease sick.

I used to lie in bed so stressed out and beyond depressed for hours just wanting to give up and die honestly because I couldn’t see my future. Becoming blind and/or being completely paralyzed just wasn’t in the cards for me. I just couldn’t picture it! The reason I probably couldn’t see it in the future is because those things will never happen to me because I was misdiagnosed. And for those of you still fighting, you’ve got this, and you know I am always here to support you, No matter what!

Obviously at the time I had no idea. I’ve realized that being sick for years and now dealing with the turmoil (withdrawals from meds) after the fact and the legal aspect of it all and reliving this nightmare I have looked at it all and taken it on as a job! That’s just what I’ve done since day one! I know now, thanks to lots of therapy that was not the best way. However, it’s a way that made me feel safe and in control! It’s a way that allowed me to be in control of every single situation.

Last week I helped my best friend move while I was in Vegas. I was cleaning out the upstairs rooms and taking a few last things off the walls and when I went to close the door it was like closing another chapter of my life. This wave of immediate emotions just smacked me in the face, and I started bawling!

That room is where I cried myself to sleep every night because I was told I had MS!

That room is where I cried myself to sleep and thought the darkest thoughts of my life because I was told I had a disease that would leave me blind and paralyzed.

That room is where I was stuck for days after chemo because I could not even move my finger, let alone take the tiniest sip of water.

That room was empty now. Kind of like how I feel sometimes. Empty! I closed the door and just started crying again because it just brought up all these memories!

Ironically, I’m trying to close more doors on my legal case, which was another reason I had to be in Vegas. I had to finish putting together my case. Again, another job I took on! The hardest one I’ve ever taken on in my life! I want this nightmare to end and hopefully with my new strategy it will be over by Fall!

If you’ve met me in real life, listened to my podcast or seen any of my videos online, you know I am a Cryer! I’ve always been an emotional Gemini! I just can’t help it! Happy or Sad! I cry!

For years I lost those emotions and feelings as well as my sense of smell apparently.

Now that I am still feeling the withdrawals of so many medications I was put on, my emotions and sense of smell are on another level! It’s so insane!

Over the last few weeks I’ve just had all these thoughts I’ve been wanting to share. These feelings. My original plan was to record them on podcast episodes so that I can help others out there who may be listening and/or going through anything that I’ve gone through.

I want you to know, you are not alone! I know everyone says this but you’re not! Because you have me! I will be your biggest cheerleader because you need one! If you have one already, the more the merrier.

Lying in bed sick, popping all the pills prescribed to you, thinking about the most depressing things and visualizing who will be at your funeral is just not a good time!

I know because I was there for years and I am so lucky to be out of that dark place to be able to write this today!

You need a good time, or you will not make it out!

Honestly, I don’t know how I would have if I didn’t take this shit on as a job and have my own group of cheerleaders. You know who you are. And I am incredibly grateful for all of you!

I’m typing this out at the beach right now. Reason for that is I got my ass out of bed because lying there scared the shit out of me and made me feel like I was sick again and I am no longer available for those dark days! Never! Ever. Ever…

So, I got up because my legs work.

I got up because I can see, therefore drive to the beach!

I got up because I have a story to tell and it’s not over.

I know this happened to me for a reason and that reason I think is to be strong and help others out there!

This week is going to be another emotional one but one I know I can 100% handle just need to be in full on “beast mode” to get to Friday!

I’m finalizing some legal case to-do’s, working with all my incredible clients, meditating a ton, hopefully recording a ton, seeing my Nutritionist and Therapist and going to kick ass and this little cold I caught!

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. So, my guess is that I got this cold and lost my voice to slow my roll today and share this message with you.

Or I’m just high on cold meds and just shared way too much. Either way it’s out and I am always here to help.

Here’s to a brand-new outlook on life and continuous happy thoughts.

Let’s all have the best fucking week ever!

Thanks for reading this far and when I get my voice back, I will be sharing more on my podcast.

If you or someone you know needs a friend who has literally been through it, over and over again, please do not hesitate to reach out. I know and feel your pain…

If you need more help please seek medical attention. I promise you it will all work out in the end. Because you too, have a story to tell!

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